Grandma

I have to be honest.  I want another baby.

The smallness, the closeness, the feelings that are so, so strong as you cuddle this little teeny tiny person near, close your eyes, and pour your love into another living human.

I dream of teaching, exploring, and discovering together with a little amazing person.  Getting wet in streams, marveling at how seeds grow, all of it!  I just want it all! 

But Jason and I are about six years post vasectomy reversal – and nothing.  We aren’t having any more babies.  My doctor said at this point it would be very expensive, IVF with ICSI technically.  And we have seven beautiful children.  It seems irresponsible.  Adopt again then?  It is so hard – emotionally so hard, really.  Truly.  I hoped and hoped that someone would just “happen” upon us and realize we were the perfect family for their baby to grow up with.  Without the prize in sight, I don’t think I could go through that again.  It’s hard.

So I think we are done.  And my heart is so, so sad.

I am not a creative person.  I don’t do crafts.  I don’t make things.  Pinterest means nothing to me.  Craft night just isn’t my thing.

But I do love to create – people, lives.  I LOVE being a mother!  I love helping these precious souls become the very best human they can be!  This is my creative power being expressed – my children. 

And I don’t want it to end – ever.

But life changes.  The Earth spins.  Time passes.  And I think I’m entering another phase of my life – grandma phase.

You are forewarned Miss Ellie.  I have big plans for you and I!  We are going to discover this beautiful world together – it’s going to be awesome!!